Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?

Because Malfoy did.

Note: People who haven't read Harry Potter will likely not understand this joke.

Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop ...

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice and could no longer concentrate!

Why were the elephants kicked off the beach? They kept dropping their trunks!

Two antennas just recently got married. The celebration wasn't much but the reception was excellent

A mushroom asked a girl out on a date, and he was rejected.... the mushroom asked, "Why not, I'm a fungi."

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Sam: Good, because I didn't do my homework...

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horton's said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Lifesaver. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized..

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

P.S. Save the earth ... It's the only planet with beer !!!!

And remember..Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder...

And the people who like draft beer. wont mind joining that Draft.

Insider tip, watch for this upcomming merger if you still have money left. A merger between: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass...

5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b-----d’s name. and address.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. (GREAT adivice for doing free shows)

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness with an athiest?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

In grammar, some people say there is no such thing as a double positive. Yeah, right.

If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch. My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon. It was around then that the fight started... What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service. I should be out of hospital next week.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
To which she replied "Probably that I married you for your money."...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

You know Osama Bin Laden had computers where he was hidding out...in fact he was "chat" a lot but nobody knew who he was.
His very LAST post was "BRB there's somebody at the door"

You know Ten Years ago we had Steve Jobs. Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now We Have No Jobs No Hope. and No Cash,

If I knew grandchildren were going to be this much fun, I would have had them first! ...

A doctor calls up his patient and says, I have bad news for you and worse news for you. You have only 24 hours to live. The patient says, oh, that’s terrible. What could be worse news? The doctor says, I’ve been trying to get you since yesterday”