Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business,
and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell ***** in
the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped.

A big bully walks into a tavern, looks to one side of the room, and says, "You are all ****** fairies".....Looks to the other side of room, "You are all ****** jackasses"....Just then a short, skinny man stands up...Bully says, "Where the **** you going"? Little guy says, "I'm on the wrong side of the room."...

What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?

A wicker basket is what little red riding hood took to grandma's house.
A "wicker box" is what Elmer Fudd did to little red riding hood.

Daffydoug
Did you say corduroy condoms? HA HA HA HA LOL
Thanx
Al

More cool sayings:

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep....

Yup! That's what I said!

Posted: Sep 21, 2005 6:51am
Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation.

She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?"

Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the ****, give me the good news."

She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.

Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.

...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

Posted: Sep 21, 2005 8:10pm
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"

Posted: Sep 22, 2005 6:39am
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days !

An old man and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman. The officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?". To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!"....

This one's a little dated.

What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?........

A dollar bill is good for four quarters!

You know why they don't use bandaids in Israel? Because is Israel when they cut themselves they simply apply a gazza strip.
Al

What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?

Her feet.

Posted: Sep 22, 2005 9:35pm
The busy Park Avenue veterinarian impatiently assured the well-dressed lady with the Schnauzer that there was nothing wrong with the dog's hearing.

"There's just too much hair around the dog's ears," he said. "Get some hair remover and he'll be all right."

The lady purchased a bottle of depilatory at a nearby pharmacy, and the pharmacist instucted her to use it full strength for leg hair and to dilute it by one half for under arms.

"Thank you," said the woman, somewhat puzzled, "but I want to use this on my schnauzer."

"Oh," said the clerk, somewhat taken aback. "In that case dilute it to one-fourth and avoid bike riding for a while."

...I don't get it...please explain.
~Jonton

When does a woman have her feet in the air, toes upward?

No, this is not a Zen koan.

I have heard that at least more than one Movie star or singer has bought a chain of fried chicken restaurants...they have to be careful, though, ...if they pull the chain too hard they could end up chokin' their chicken......

I suppose everyone has seen the airplane that just made an emergency landing with the wheel on the landing gear turned sideways. On this plane was a preacher who was asked by a flight attendant to help calm the passengers. "Sir," she said, "this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could...I don't know...do something religious?"

So he took up a collection.

Posted: Sep 23, 2005 12:19am
You may not believe this, but actually I am a preacher.

The only difference is that the other guys are preaching against it. I'm preaching for it.

When the powerful king found his throne missing the next
day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force
him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as
follows:

king: Where is the throne?
count: I cannot tell you.
king: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his
head!
count: (as the axe is swinging down...)
Ok! I will tell you!
THWACK!!!

Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

Doctor: "You just gave birth to a 6 pound eye."
Mother: "Oh no, what can be worse?"
Doctor: "It's blind.".....

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

A guy goes to the doctor, and after a series of tests, the doctor calls him into his office. The doctor tells him quietly, "I have some very bad news for you..."

"I am afraid that you have contracted an incurable and rapidly fatal disease." He says.

The patient asks, "Well, Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"Hmmmm," said the doctor after a moment, "perhaps you could go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths."

"Mud baths? Will that help me, Doc?"

Probably not, but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"