I'm not as think as you drunk I am!

I hate it when I get my merds wixed.

Jeff

Not a spoon, but I love it when someone during the ID names the K OF H or the KING OF FARTS

Yank thou for the freat gunnies in pour yosts.

Hoy Ropwood

Neal had one from his dad that was very close to my dad's.

"I'm not under the alchofluence of incohol like some thinkle peep I am."

As a boy in school he had to recite the line "Oh fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your Soul with Hope." Unfortunately he transposed a couple of words and a couple letters.

By the way, he drove "A four dan sador with twin wipeshield wimpers".

There is an ad on TV here at the moment (promoting designated drivers). They get pulled over for breath-testing, and one of the passengers greets the officer with "Good afterble consternoon..."
OK< so maybe you had to be there!

"Hones' Ossifer! I on'y had one lil gin & platonic!

or wassat a scotch & soldier!

a nutsy rail, maybe?

I'm jus dallin fown brunk!

Lee Darrow, C.Ht.

Malapropism:

"The police are not here to create disorder, the police are here to PRESERVE disorder!" Mayor Richard J. Daley, during the 1968 Riots during the Chicago-hosted National Convention.

"I wasn't there, and besides, he hit me first!" - one of Mayor Richard J. Daley's bodyguards during defense testimony for assaulting newspaperman Mike Royko.

Royko won the suit, needless to say.

Lee Darrow, C.Ht.

Mardon me padam but you're occupewing the wrong pie, may I sow you to another sheat.

Growing up in church I always that that was Hilarious. , guess I still do.
Steve

Can I put in a plug for my favorite Celeb, Yogi Berra,
Somehow, although he only massacred human thought patterns, he seems to fit here too.
Taken from:
http://rinkworks.com/said/
Yogi Berra's second claim to fame is for being one of the most quoted figures in the sports world. He is credited with coining the deceptively simplistic observation, "It ain't over till it's over." But he's also known for his flubs. Here is a collection of the most notorious of these.

This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the h*** are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

And in closing, the words of a childhood friend of mine, "may you live all the days of your life"
Steve

This happened the other night while performing at a murder mystery for a bunch of lawyers...

While telling my facorite lawyer joke.. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A CATFISH?

One is a bottom feeding scum scucking slimy vermin and the other is a fish...I spooned feeding and sucking.... the room became very hot untill all the lawyers started laughing and asked to see CMHC again

Jeff

Watch out Jeff!

I got censored here and giving a wrap over the knuckles for pointing out a couple of more risky spoonerisms!