This is the copy for an A4 flyer to be sent to shopping centre marketing managers. I'm trying to appeal to centres who want something a bit different from theme park style stuff suit shows.

The flyer will have an accompanying letter.

Be as brutal as you like!

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Tricky Nick The Magician is Australia’s premiere shopping centre entertainer. For the past ten years, Nicholas has provided top quality family entertainment for shopping centres around Australia. With over 3000 family magic shows under his belt this professional magician and comedian will amaze and amuse the youngest child to the oldest adult with hilarious comedy and mind blowing magic.

Instead of catering just for kids and driving parents insane, Tricky Nick’s tightly scripted show is designed for families to enjoy together with just as much fun on offer for parents as their children. This fun filled magic show includes amazing magic, plenty of audience participation, slapstick comedy and an appearance by a real live bunny named Cornelius.

Each and every Tricky Nick magic show includes:

• Full professional sound equipment
• Professional theatrical backdrop
• Full colour, professional publicity resources
• $20 million public liability insurance
• Prizes and giveaways during every show

When you book a season of Tricky Nick at your centre you get far more than just a magic show. Tricky Nick can tailor his show to include current promotions, including prizes and giveaways from retailers and provide a full colouring competition branded for your centre. He will also help promote the shows to his fan club and the local media.

However, Tricky Nick only performs at 10 centres each year so contact him now to book for the next school holidays today. These centres have!

Westfield - Fountain Lakes
Westfield - Airport West
Westfield - Belconnen
Westfield – Woden
Westfield – Plenty Valley
Centro - Box Hill
Centro - Wadonga
Centro – Tuggeranong
Centro – Karingal
Centro - Collonades
Forrest Hill Chase
Epping Plaza
Gladstone Park
Broadmeadows Town Centre
Meadow Heights Centre
Parkmore Shopping Centre
Canberra Centre
Kippax Fair
Tuggeranong Hyperdome
Northcote Plaza
Gippsland Centre
Dandenong Plaza
Knox City
Riverside Plaza
Woden Plaza

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Short and sweet....

1) you could use a bit of grammatical touch up.
2) you are trying to sell things that might make your show "look/appear" good, but you should be focusing more on why they need your show. (example: instead of selling a mop made of space age material that does not break.... you need to sell a mop that will clean their floors.)

PM me if you are looking for more in depth help/info

My response exactly. Writing sales copy 101 posits: "lead with the benefits and substantiate with the features." You are leading with the features of your act, and touch on the benefits in one paragraph near the end.

Your opening line:
"Tricky Nick The Magician is Australia’s premiere shopping centre entertainer" is all about you. Your prospect doesn't care about you, but is interested in WIIFM, "What's in it for me."

I suspect that a shopping mall manager is interested in:
1) Large crowds
2) Happy shoppers
3) Free publicity for the center
4) A company that is easy to work with.

Perhaps in that order of importance. Appeal to those desires. Talk about the features of your act only to support your benefit claims. For example, addressing #4 above:

Tricky Nick makes presenting a show at your shopping center easy. Every show comes with:
• Full professional sound equipment
• Professional theatrical backdrop
• Full colour, professional publicity resources
• $20 million public liability insurance
• Prizes and giveaways during every show

I'm sure you can come up with something stronger than the above example, but create a powerful headline that sells the chief benefit to a mall that hires you, whether that's pulling in crowds, getting press for a special promotion, whatever. Then use the other shopping malls as social proof. Include a few testimonials from the promotions director and/or manager of one or two of them.

And, of course, include photos of large crowds having fun at one of your shopping mall shows. Instead of saying that adults will enjoy the show as much as the children, include a photo and quote from a parent that makes the point. "I enjoyed the show as much as my kids!"

Hope that helps.

Jim

$20 million policy – What is the purpose of advertising this? Don’t most places who require insurance ask anyway?

I would use headlines (ex. Discover how to make ________’s next event exciting, magical and fun…GUARANTTED!)

I would make this a PS. It’s a call to action, the lastthing they should see or read - Tricky Nick only performs at 10 centres each year so call or e-mail him TODAY!

What if you made the bunny a selling point? (Featuring a Death Defying Stunt by Lil’ Bunny Foo Foo!)

Rather than listing your clients, what if you had powerful quotes in the empty spaces to the left and right of your piece?

Just mt 2 cents

Mr. Snack's advice is dead on.

-- Get inside the heads of your target customers and find out what THEY care about. What do the managers of shopping centers care about?

-- Offer solutions to those problems, framed around the benefits of the services you provide.

-- TESTIMONIALS!!! Make sure to include tons from the many successful programs you've already done. If possible, have them be "Shopping Center" Marketing Managers

A final notion to consider... can you get ACTUAL names of the people you're targeting? It's always best to personalize your promotion with a real person's name. Not only can you address the envelope to a real person, but you can also
personalize the headline.

So instead of:

"Attention: Marketing Manager: Discover How to Make Your Upcoming Holiday Season Incredibly Successful, Amazing, and Fun - Guaranteed!"

You would put:

"Attention John Brown: Discover How to Make Your Upcoming Holiday Season Incredibly Successful, Amazing, and Fun - Guaranteed!"

Then use "Dear Mr. Brown," in the letter as well.

Finally, I want to congratulate you on something you nailed right at the beginning... you targeted a "specific" customer. You didn't make the mistake of sending a general "Hey, I do Magic!" brochure to a wide variety of businesses. You picked a niche and went after it. Excellent.

--Jack

Add a headline

Thanks guys -

It's very interesting to see the difference between American and Australia advertising styles.

Unforunately, I can't target individual marketing managers because a) many job share and b) centres have a high turnover of staff.

There is a terrific book called "On Writing Well" by William K. Zinsser. This is an excellent text for the mechanics of writing --

I would echo some of the excellent advice that you have gotten from others, and I'll add one that is just a pet peeve of mine -- get rid of passive voice whenever it is possible, and if it isn't, rewrite the sentence in active voice. (Intentional irony in the preceding sentence -- too hard to resist!)

Also, present tense, not future, resonates and scans better, i.e.

"When you book a season of Tricky Nick at your centre you get far more than just a magic show. Tricky Nick tailors his show to include current promotions, including prizes and giveaways from retailers and provides a full colouring competition branded for your centre. He also helps promote the shows to his fan club and the local media. "

Then again, this advice is really worth only what you are paying. . ..

Cheers,