Okay - I really like the creative contributions of this message board especially when it comes to comedy - because COMEDY IS DIFFICULT.

Like many of you I do a head chopper in my show and I know there are a ton of stock lines for choppers.

I would like to offer some of mine and let's all pitch in and hopefully improve everyone's routine.

1. "ONE, TWO, THREE DAYS AGO (pause) I was doing a trick and the head shot out into the audience and landed in this guys lap!

You should have seen the look on his face!

Not the guy sitting down - this face (point to the guy in the chopper)"

2. "ONE, TWO (stop and look at the guy in the chopper) Do you want me to go on three or THREE AND THEN GO?"

3. (Say to the guy in the chopper) "john are you ready? Great, Let's move a head!"

4. "John have you ever done this before?
(he says no) What a coincidence!"

Okay there you go folks if we all throw in one or two lines we will all benefit!

I've got more but I want to see what comes in before I throw more out there!

Thanks!

"the duck"

1. Now John, to start with you will feel a slight numbing sensation, but don’t worry about it because it will soon drop off.

2. Put down a sheet of newspaper below the chopper to catch the blood. Bring out a sheet of newspaper with fake blood stains then apologise, ‘sorry that was the newspaper I used last time.’

3. Pretend to read your victim some interesting headline from the newspaper. Stop part way though placing it on the floor and explain ‘never mind you can read it when you get down there.’

A magic cliche' might be appropriate here:

"John I could tell you how this contraption works but then I'd have to kill you."

Put down a bucket under the guys head but put it obviously two feet away from where his head is going to drop, and whisper to him to pull it underneath his head.

VERY FUNNY!!!

Similar to your earlier line but do the big "1.... 2...." and as you get to the 3 relax a bit and walk away "3.. weeks ago I did this trick and......." It gets a huge laugh because the person was so ready for it to drop and it just hightens the humourous tension.
mat

Last time I did this the guy said he had a Splitting headache,

Are you nervous?
Well don't lose you head over it!

Would any of this be considered "cutting edge" humor?

Another one,

John are you NERVOUS? Well don't be, there's no sense in both us being that way!

Seriously, does anyone have any jokes or gags pertaining to the fake head in the bucket?

Well, Peter, you do have to have a "sharp" wit to be able to "cut it" in comedy magic.

How about this line, Look into the audience and say "who came with John tonight, (look at them, than say) do the numbers 911 mean anything to you folks? Or, "don't worry John, nothing is going to happen to ME"
I use both of these lines and they play well.
Have a good Day,
Don

I like the 911 joke - thanks

But, it might bring Sept, 11th. to mind.

I will work with it.

How about the head bucket jokes - what have you guys seen?

As for the head in the bucket jokes:

"I told that (guy or girl, depending on the head) not to loose (his/her) head!"

"Sorry about that. One of my assistants told an audience member how I did (insert effect here)."

I understand what you mean about Sept. 11, but that is always called "nine eleven" so I'm sure you would be safe saying "9-1-1'
Don

Good point Don.

I will give it a shot.

I remember years ago seeing a conjuror putting the bucket under the spec's head, counting "One, Two, .....", pausing, moving the bucket to behind the guy, and then restarting the count.

That went down well.

Dave

*The setup, Mark is locked in the guillotine, there is a props table/cabinet nearby with a large woven basket atop it.*

"Nervous Mark?" *Ducks behind the props table to get something.* Well don't be, friend," *gets up with something from the cabinet, unknowingly knocking over the basket, which dumps out a realistic head as he continues the line.* "It worked perfectly last time."
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Bonus points if it rolls right past the mark rather than just straight off-stage/into the audience.

For an extra touch you can let them see that the basket is empty when you put it on the table. The observant will get an extra kick when the head rolls.
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As Mark is coming onstage, and before the trick is introduced, have him sign a variety of legal documents and waivers. Have them notarized on the spot.

---
Various "I've got you where I want you" lines.

"So, about that $4.20 that you owe me from the last time I performed here...."

"Didn't you beat me up for lunch money in the second grade?"

"Ok, kiddos, I need to be serious for a moment. This is very dangerous, we have a large, heavy, sharp blade above this man's neck. So safety first." *puts a hard-hat and safety goggles on Mark*

"oh, I hate to tell you this Mark, but I think I put you in the wrong guillotine. Don't move a muscle, this is an antique and it's kind of touchy. I'll get the key and we'll just skip this one. *As your getting the key, the thing goes off*
{Ideally, he should seriously believe that you really have messed up and put him into your conversation piece by accident.}

*carfully aim the guillotine at an audience member.* "How much does your head weigh, Mark?"

Wow I am impressed - that must be all original stuff

I think that the lunch money line was inspired by something that The Amazing Jonathan said. Other than that I think the rest are mine. I think the original quote from Johnathan was...
"You know <name here>, you look a lot like the guy that killed my parents. Oh I'm kidding. I killed my parents"
Though that is probably wildly innacurate.

Killing your parents?

That is way to hard core for the venues that I work.

I agree, none of these are suitable for every type of show. Ex: "I killed my parents" would probably not go over too well with the adults at a kiddie show! But the Amazing Jonathan probably had a good idea of who his audience was when he said that.